It was a book that identified different illnesses with their causes and also ways to maybe change the course of that particular illness. It said that multiple sclerosis was caused by heart hardness, inflexibility, and fear. I had heard this years ago. I was so angered by it then but today I see it. It may not have caused my disease but it sure is me. A number of years ago a good friend of mine said to me," you are not easy". He was right I am not easy.

So today I embraced it and I also embraced the authors remedy. She said, choose loving, joyous thoughts. Say I am safe and free.

I am safe and free. I am safe and free. I am safe and free.

Please God let it be so.

Goodnight.

Been awhile since I've been blogging. I miss it but I have been so tired and self consumed that I couldn't bear hearing myself whining and dwelling in self pity.

I am reading a self-help book by E. Tolle and am finding some truths that if I can use them will change my life. Basically, it is accepting life for what it is, and stop fighting against my circumstances now and the memories of the past. This man writes about living in the now, in the present moment and accepting without judging. I have fought all my life. It is all I have ever known and I think the time has come to stop fighting.

It is what it is. I need to learn how to live a totally different way. I need to believe that I can do it.

To all of you who have been e-mailing me, thank you. You are part of the change. You are already giving me a second chance. I may sound cryptic but that is only because I don't completely understand it myself.

Be.

I wish you all a Merry Christmas. I don't have any privacy right now and I long to spend time writing in my blog.

Last week someone called me that I hadn't heard from in a long time and she made me so happy with that one call. One I went to bed a few hours later I was smiling. It felt so good but on the other hand I'm realizing how little happiness is part of my life. I want to smile like that.

I guess that's all.

Goodnight.

But I don't have any privacy. I need to bleed. The holidays are coming up and I don't know how I'll be able to deal with. Plus I need to make another decision about my caregiving agency. New York city is one of the best places in this country to be ill and poor but things are changing a little bit and I need to make a decision. I asked my doctor, I asked my nurse, I asked my occupational therapist, and they all say the same thing. The new agency is good but who knows how it will work out for me. I am so confused. They all say the same thing, it's a good organization and lots of people have joined and some people have left it. So tomorrow I'll try to reach them again.

I'm using my voice recognition software which of course I usually do but I'm not going to do any corrections. I wanted to blog. It's like blog validates your opinions. It is one of the things that led to my divorce and to many arguments with my former husband now and that is, he doesn't respect my life feelings or intelligence and doesn't validate my feelings as a person.

It's not all his fault, I let him do it, it was all I had ever known. Growing up without love, without someone saying you're doing a good job or you can do that led me to take the proverbial bull by the horns and storm through my life. Now I am unable to storm through and have found myself to be a sniveling, indecisive little person.

It was supposed to be different.

Goodnight.

Initial biopsy showed a slow-growing cancer, later this week the final results will come in.

Even though I don't have a family I was never really alone. But I still long for that family feeling of just holding on to someone, touching them,letting the tears tumble down.

There are so many stories of people who go through tremendous difficult times. Today I just heard of where a Navy football player went through such adversidy but continues to succeed beyond will put it this way beyond, beyond. But he could walk and he didn't have to rely on someone to feed him or change his diaper.

Today I have heard of two stories from two people who have big families and incredible support and it kills me. I am so alone.

There is a store, a natural foods store, who has a huge sign that says health is wealth and I will add family is wealth and if you have both of them you have it over Donald Trump or Oprah.

If you think this is just wallowing in self-pity and think that there are so many people worse off than me I rage at you. I rage.

Goodnight.