This is the first time since my last blog that I had any time alone. But if it has not been the time where you laugh or party, it's all people taking care of me.

I am so desperate, and I don't know what to do. I have been trying to find a place to live. Living in Manhattan is extremely difficult, because the rents are so high. They do have programs that allow people with low income to move into nice buildings. But I don't make enough money even for that. Although I could pay the rent that they ask. I don't qualify under their guidelines. I could certainly pay $500 a month rent, but I have to make at least $16,000 a year. The guidelines just doesn't make any sense.

I was just outside for about two hours. Or maybe three, and it was wonderful to be out. I wanted to stay out even longer but I couldn't. I really wanted to stay longer.

If you have read this far, I'm sorry. How could this have happened to me. Please somebody help me. Please somebody be my friend. I'm not a bad person. I'm not alone again.

My major in college was psychology and for six years I went to therapy. Back in the 70s and early 80's that was the trend. Then I turned away from it all and maybe I need to see someone. But I really need is a secretary to make all the calls.

I love blogging. I don't know why it's like a place where I can say what I want. It's like a blanket against the chill.

To all of you who have sent me comments thank you and I hope you have a wonderful new year.

My voice recognition program has been working well this time. It's funny I feel like I'd just like to hug my blog. I must really be losing it.
goodnight

I need a place to live. I need a friend. If you had said to me 25 years ago that I would be in this position I would have laughed in your face. But I can't get away, I cannot even kill myself without implicating someone else. If you think I'm feeling sorry for myself you're right I am. A social worker who is going to help me fill data form for public housing and when I said what about all the other housing that might be available she said oh you have to look that up for yourself. So my solution is I have to hire someone to make the phone calls to see what else is available. Because I can't do it, what an idiot. So here is a clue to all of you who give money to charities like the multiple sclerosis Society think about perhaps giving a couple of hours to someone who actually has the disease. I am not the only one who needs something practical. Some people need a room painted or a computer program fixed clean or a million things that would only require a couple of hours. Think about that the next time you spend an afternoon riding a bicycle or walking to collect money. You can spend an afternoon a year helping somebody with the disease. I think about all the closeted people who just need a little bit of time. If I sound angry, I am. I'm scared, really, really, scared. For the first time in my life I have lost confidence in myself. I have been taking care of myself as since I was 11 years old and I have never been angry or scared about the situation that I was in. I put myself through high school and college and a bad marriage. But I never said why me I just always believed that it was going to change and the world was a better place and there was room in it for me. When I was 11 years old I said as long as I can put 1 foot in front of the other I would be okay. For the last 20 years I have been unable to do that and I still wasn't angry nor scared because I thought I had friends and a few family members standing with me. They would be like a bank account but when I went to the bank I found out the bank had folded. Good night.