But I don't have any privacy. I need to bleed. The holidays are coming up and I don't know how I'll be able to deal with. Plus I need to make another decision about my caregiving agency. New York city is one of the best places in this country to be ill and poor but things are changing a little bit and I need to make a decision. I asked my doctor, I asked my nurse, I asked my occupational therapist, and they all say the same thing. The new agency is good but who knows how it will work out for me. I am so confused. They all say the same thing, it's a good organization and lots of people have joined and some people have left it. So tomorrow I'll try to reach them again.

I'm using my voice recognition software which of course I usually do but I'm not going to do any corrections. I wanted to blog. It's like blog validates your opinions. It is one of the things that led to my divorce and to many arguments with my former husband now and that is, he doesn't respect my life feelings or intelligence and doesn't validate my feelings as a person.

It's not all his fault, I let him do it, it was all I had ever known. Growing up without love, without someone saying you're doing a good job or you can do that led me to take the proverbial bull by the horns and storm through my life. Now I am unable to storm through and have found myself to be a sniveling, indecisive little person.

It was supposed to be different.

Goodnight.

Initial biopsy showed a slow-growing cancer, later this week the final results will come in.

Even though I don't have a family I was never really alone. But I still long for that family feeling of just holding on to someone, touching them,letting the tears tumble down.

There are so many stories of people who go through tremendous difficult times. Today I just heard of where a Navy football player went through such adversidy but continues to succeed beyond will put it this way beyond, beyond. But he could walk and he didn't have to rely on someone to feed him or change his diaper.

Today I have heard of two stories from two people who have big families and incredible support and it kills me. I am so alone.

There is a store, a natural foods store, who has a huge sign that says health is wealth and I will add family is wealth and if you have both of them you have it over Donald Trump or Oprah.

If you think this is just wallowing in self-pity and think that there are so many people worse off than me I rage at you. I rage.

Goodnight.