It's been a long time since I've posted and I have really missed all of you. I fear you're going to stop believing what is going on, because it is getting worse. A month ago and aide dropped me and broke my leg. My food stamps allotment was reduced, and now I have to go for a fair hearing. The first surgeon won't do the operation, because I refuse to go on a ventilator and the pulmonologist told him that I had a good chance of being on a ventilator. And since I had no desire to live, I would be a poor candidacy for the surgery.

The other surgeon would not operate but what do a freezing of the tumor. And I would not have to go under anesthesia. So a ventilator would not be used but it is not curative.

I am applying for a program called section 8 that would help pay rent for an apartment. Since it is very difficult for me to get to the place to be evaluated. They had a number to call where you could be evaluated over the phone. So I called the number and a rather rude person told me it would take longer than my November appointment.

My nurse and occupational therapist think that I'm depressed, and that I need a psychiatrist. They've both been making that the reason why I need a psychiatrist is because that person would put me on more medication. I don't want any more medication. I was on Zoloft for years. The world was a happy place and I was so unprepared for this terrible existence.

Help me if you can. I'm feeling down, and I do appreciate and I do appreciate you being around so won't you please please help me. Obviously I'm not the only one that has felt this way.

It hurts me even to just to do this blog. I wanted to die but now that I'm facing it...

so as I sit in this one room. I long to see a sunset or a moon.

Tomorrow I go to have an x-ray to see how my leg is healing. And then I go to my acupuncture. I'll leave around noon and have to be back by four o'clock.

I know there are people who don't even have that. But I fought so hard and truly believed my life was going to be good and happy and free, only to find my body betraying me more and more.

I've been using my voice recognition program so things may look a little bit confused mirroring my own confusion. Sorry. But remember, I started my blog for me, for my tears, for my confusion, my outrage, for my utter disappointment.

Goodnight.